"There Are No Superior Martial Arts, Only Superior Martial Artists"
I've read, heard, repeated and written that phrase so often I can't even remember where it came from. The reason I like it so much is because it's true!
This article is not another effort to debate the merits of one self-defense system over another. Nor is it to argue about which style will or won't work "on the street." All martial arts have components within them that are powerful fighting techniques. It's important to know which ones they are!
Self-Defense Systems Differ, But Self-Defense Principles Don't
On the surface, martial arts and self-defense systems seem different. However, if they are legitimate and effective, the principles underlying them are the same.
Principles are the rules about the way things are. They are inarguable, non-negotiable and unchanging. They have nothing to do with the way we think things are or the way we want them to be. Like the laws of physics, they just are.
As "Martial Scientists," our goal is to explore, discover, test and confirm the operative principles that define and influence the reality of combat. Your ability to produce a desired result, in this case to effectively defend yourself, is a direct result of how well you understand and apply the principles of combat and human performance.
What Do You Know About Performance Under Pressure?
This article is about how fear and stress affect fighting performance. Whether you consider yourself a seasoned martial artist, a self-defense enthusiast, or a self-taught "ham & egger" who just wants to stay in shape and boost your confidence, this information is important to know. If you are training for self-defense, you need to select and develop skills that will be effective in the chaos of a violent conflict. This article will help you in that process.
STRESS AND SELF-DEFENSE
Stress Is Good, But Only If It Works For And Not Against You
Stress is our response to a real or perceived threat that we inherited from our ancestors. It was, and is, essential for our survival as a species. That survival mechanism, often called the "Fight or Flight Response," is a good thing. If properly managed, it can be a powerful force in fighting off (fight) or escaping from (flight) a violent assailant. However, if ignored or misunderstood, stress can impair our mental and physical performance and compromise our effectiveness in a fight.
What Is "Self-Defense Stress?"
Stress, as it relates to violence, is the response to a perceived discrepancy between a threat and your ability to control it under conditions where the outcome has the potential for death, injury or physical degradation.
The Symptoms Of Stress
Stress causes a variety of psychological and physiological changes. Without getting into the specifics of those changes, the affects of intense stress on performance fall into three categories:
1. Perceptual Distortion - loss of peripheral vision and depth perception, hearing may be impaired, changes in pain sensitivity, etc.
2. Cognitive Impairment - the emotional centers in the brain become predominant and creative or logical thinking is impaired.
3. Motor Skill Deterioration - the ability to perform certain physical actions is impaired by stress. However, other actions can actually be enhanced by stress.
Each of these categories could form an article (or book) of their own. However, for the purposes of this article, I'll confine myself to information pertaining to the selection and performance of physical skills.
THE KYSS! PRINCIPLE (Keep Your System Simple!)
Why Do Black Belts Get Beat Up?
Why is it that so many martial artists get beat up? I'm sorry to burst your bubble if you thought otherwise but the fact is that many people, even after years of training, have been thumped by "unskilled," intoxicated adversaries. How can that be?
Often people train with a distorted mental map of what it's like to be in a real, knockdown, drag-out, anything-goes street-fight. They confuse sparring with fighting and find themselves hesitant, overwhelmed by fear or attempting techniques that just don't work.
The more clearly you understand the realities of a "fight" and the affects of being in one, the better you can prepare yourself for the chaos of personal combat.
Motor Skills Classification
Motor Skills is a fancy name for physical actions or techniques. They can be divided into three categories:
1. Fine Motor Skills - are actions involving small muscles, dexterity and eye-hand coordination. The ability to perform fine motor skills deteriorates at low to moderate levels of stress.
2. Complex Motor Skills - are actions that link three or more components in a sequence that requires timing and coordination. At moderate to high levels of stress, the ability to perform these skills is also impaired. Many martial arts techniques are complex motor skills. This explains why techniques that may work fine in low-stress training fail in a high-stress street-fight.
3. Gross motor skills - are simple, large-muscle group actions like a squats, pushups and push/pull-type movements. This includes basic fighting skills like a straight punch, a hook punch or a Thai boxer's knee strike for example. Unlike fine and complex motor skills, gross motor skills DO NOT deteriorate under stress. In fact, they are enhanced by the affects of fear and stress.
Obviously we want to rely predominantly on gross motor skills when designing a self-defense response system.
The "Less-Is-Best" Theory
Some self-defense and martial arts instructors believe in the "More-Is-Better" philosophy. They think that learning a high number of techniques will increase the ability to respond effectively to a wider variety of situations; that the more elaborate the fighting system the more adaptable it becomes.
If you hold this philosophy yourself, please forgive my bluntness but...YOU'RE WRONG!!! The More-Is-Better approach does not withstand scientific scrutiny. Complex or elaborate techniques don't work in a real fight. It's as simple as that. In contrast, the "Less-Is-Best" approach is more practical, realistic and consistent with what science tells us about the way we perform under stress. Here are a few of the benefits of keeping the number of techniques to a minimum.
Faster Reaction Time
As far back as the 1800's, researchers knew that the more responses you have to a stimulus, the longer it takes react. In 1952, a researcher named Hicks confirmed that for every response choice added, the amount of time required to react doubles! This is widely known as "Hicks Law," and has been repeatedly confirmed by subsequent research. In a self-defense situation, the longer you take to respond to a threatening action, the more likely you will be injured and defeated.
Fast Results With Minimal Training
Another issue that supports the idea of keeping your inventory of techniques to a minimum is the amount of time you have to practice and the time it takes to build technique competence. (remember: competence builds confidence which reduces stress!)
Imagine you work on 20 techniques and you train for an hour per session. That means you have 3 minutes to invest on each technique. If however, you reduce the number of self-defense techniques to three (just an arbitrary number), you invest 20 minutes on each technique, conceivably investing 600% more time and repetition on each one. What technique wouldn't be improved by six times more training?
The Brass Knuckle Effect (Cognitive Clarity)
Imagine you knew you were about to be attacked by a large, strong, psychopathic assailant. There is no way of avoiding the fight. Let's say your self-defense system consists of 20 different techniques. In the stressful moments preceding the encounter your mind is reeling; trying to figure out the most appropriate course of action.
Keep in mind that your cognitive abilities are impaired by stress. Stress-related "brain damage" prevents you from forming a logical or creative solution to your predicament. What will you do?
Seeing your dilemma, a good friend (if he wasn't before he is now!) discretely passes you a set of brass knuckles. What do you suppose has just happened to your thought process?
I'll hazard a guess that the mental fog begins to lift, your stress decreases and your objective becomes clear. It's now a simple matter of taking those brass knuckles and slamming them repeatedly into vulnerable parts of your opponent's anatomy. Seems simple now doesn't it?
The potential of you winning the encounter has been significantly enhanced. That same affect can be achieved without the brass knuckles by sticking to a limited, yet adaptable, inventory of dependable fighting skills.
THE SCIENCE OF STRESS POINTS TO THE NEED TO SPECIALIZE
Virtually all accomplished fighters are known for specific techniques that they excel at. However, if you ignore their "bread & butter" techniques, most of them would be considered "average." Those fighters excel because of their ability to simplify their system and build on their superior techniques.
Knowing what you now know about technique selection and stress performance, what do you think about the merits of "specializing" in a core set of fighting skills? Here's how to get started.
Explore Your Strengths
Don't just latch onto a fighting tactic arbitrarily. Evaluate your existing skills and select a strike, a kick, or a finishing hold that seems like a "good fit" for you. What technique to you consistently land or apply when sparring? What is your best or favorite technique? What technique do you feel you would resort to under pressure? Answering these questions will get you started with the specialization process.
Adaptability
Having as few techniques as possible doesn't mean that you limit your ability to respond to a wide variety of situations. The idea is to take that specialty strike, kick, joint lock or choke and train it in as many different ways as possible. Learn to apply those basic skills at different ranges (striking, clinching or on the ground), against different partners, against different apparatus and in as many drills as you can think of. Learn how to set them up and follow them up. Strive to learn a lot about a little, not vice versa.
Train to Exhaustion
A good way to see how well a technique holds up under stress is to train it to extreme fatigue. You can bring on the physiology of intense stress by exerting yourself. I call this "blitz training" in the heavy bag article: "There's nothing like a swift kick to the bag." on my site at:
http://www.protectivestrategies.com/heavybag.html
Blast out a technique or combination repeatedly for a specified duration or until you can't do it any more. I can guarantee that gross motor skills will be the only ones conducive to this type of training.
Keep in mind that you wouldn't do this training all of the time. You need time to recover between intense workouts like this.
Obviously you must be healthy and in good physical shape to do in this training. Refer to my disclaimer page for precautions before following this advice.
http://www.protectivestrategies.com/disclaimer.html
Simplicity Is Not Inflexibility
A final note in keeping things simple is that the process of specialization doesn't mean that you stop learning, experimenting or that you abandon your existing training program in lieu of a "bare-bones" self-defense program.
If you are proud of your traditional martial arts system stick with it. If you love to jump up, spin around and kick things, then by all means, go for it! Just don't confuse techniques that will work in a street fight with those that won't. Apply the science of stress performance by adding specialty training to the degree that you want to develop practical self-defense skills.
SO WHAT? HOW TO USE THIS INFORMATION
Using The "KYSS! Principle" To Evaluate A Potential Specialty Technique
Now its time to put this stuff into practice: Based on the priority you place on "fighting skill." (there are several other benefits and reasons to train) Take a good, hard look at the skills you have in your inventory and the amount of time you plan to invest in training.
Decide on what proportion of your training you want to dedicate to self-defense. Design your system based on the following "KYSS Criteria."
* is the technique a "gross motor skill?"
* do you have confidence in your ability to perform the skill under pressure?
* What technique is most successful for you in training sparring or competition? (however don't confuse those activities with fighting)
* Is the technique applicable in a wide variety of situations, at different ranges, in different environments, ring clothing that you were during your day-to-day activities?
* Are you able to construct a wide variety of training drills to build adaptability and flexibility in your chosen techniques?
* Are there techniques that you've selected that are redundant?
* Do you understand the underlying principles and biomechanics of performing and applying the skill with optimal efficiency?
CONCLUSION
Stress in a combative situation is a given. Expect it. It's going to be there. Your performance is the result of how confident and well prepared you are in addition to how well designed your self-defense response system is. Attack the problem of stress performance this way:
* Simplify your system through specializing in a handful of effective and adaptable techniques.
* Artificially create stress in your training sessions to inoculate yourself to it to some degree (more on this in future articles) and
* Select gross motor skills that will be efficient under stress.
Knowing what you now know about stress performance isn't it obvious that the "KYSS! (Keep Your System Simple!) Principle" is worth incorporating into your training? Scrutinize and evaluate your inventory of fighting skills and select those that meet the KYSS criteria and you will improve your performance in a combative situation dramatically. The bottom line of what I want you to take away from this article is that if you are training for self-defense Keep Your System Simple!
Take care, train smart and stay safe,
Randy LaHaie Protective Strategies
========== Self-Defense Quote ===============
"There are no superior or inferior martial arts, there are only warriors and non-warriors"
"Each martial art is based on doctrine, a set of broad and general beliefs. People who study a single doctrine tend to shut out ideas from other sources and convince themselves that their's is the one true way of fighting. They become slaves to the very doctrines they profess."
Forrest E. Morgan, Maj. USAF Living The Martial Way A Manual for the way a modern warrior should think.
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Randy LaHaie is the president of Protective Strategies and has been teaching reality-based self-defense for over 30 years. He is the author of several "Toughen Up Combative Training Guides" (www.ToughenUp.com)
Subscribe to his FREE SELF-DEFENSE NEWSLETTER at http://www.ProtectiveStrategies.com ========================================
What Would You Do If It Happened To You. The Importance Of Mental Preparation In Self-Defense
In this article I want to share a few ideas about mental preparation and some correspondence I recently recently received from subscribers to my self-defense newsletter. I'm hoping it will provide some context to your "self-defense readiness" and generate some thinking.
Self-Defense Performance Is The Result Of Mental Maps
I wrote about mental maps in "The Nuts And Bolts Of Awareness."
Our awareness, understanding, decisions, predictions and behavior are directed by the "mental maps" we have about the way the world works. Our knowledge, beliefs, experience and habits are "packaged" in the form of mental maps (also called cognitive blueprints or schemas).
If those "maps" are detailed and accurate, you dramatically increase the probability of effective performance in high-stress situations.
If those maps are inaccurate, have gaps or are missing all together, you run the risk of an improper reaction, over reacting, under reacting or not reacting at all.
We have a term for that in self-defense training. Its called "NOT GOOD!"
Thinking Is Impaired By Stress
What makes matters worse is that people aren't particularly "smart" in high-stress, urgent, threatening situations. At times like those, you are not operating in the same mental state that you are in while you sit here reading this article.
When the "Fight or Flight Response" (sympathetic nervous system) is activated, your ability to think creatively and logically is impaired. That increases the potential for confusion and mistakes during a dangerous situation.
Invest In Your Safety With Pre-Thinking and Debriefing
Science and psychology confirm that mental rehearsal or visualization has a huge impact on improving our physical and mental performance.
The good news is that self-defense encounters don't happen often. The bad news is that self-defense encounters don't happen often! Huh? Before you read that again, let me explain...
Its hard to "get good" at something that never happens. Unlike other activities requiring experience and skills development, you can't rely on repeated exposure and previous events when preparing for a violent encounter. So how do you improve your self-defense effectiveness?
Physical practice is "part" of the answer... Especially, when you participate in role playing scenarios that simulate the types of situations that you might encounter. But even that isn't enough to really get "street smart."
What you need to do is create self-defense scenarios in your mind. You need to "pre-think" and decide in advance about what you would do in a critical situation BEFORE it happens.
Think about situations you are most concerned about or likely to encounter and what you would do if they did.
Don't just leave it to luck. You can't "worry about it when the time comes" and hope to perform effectively. Remember, your brain is impaired by stress, panic, and confusion! Without some sort of game plan, its unlikely that you will perform well.
The question to ask yourself is, "What would I do if… (and then insert your most likely or bothersome scenario).
Debriefing is what you do AFTER an incident or "close encounter." Don't just walk away from a threatening situation and hope that it never happens again. Think about it, analyze it and learn from it. Ask yourself two questions:
* What did I do right? * What would I do differently if it happened again?
That way, even if you handled the incident poorly, you can benefit from it and improve your chances doing better if something similar happens in the future. That, my friend, is the essence of developing effective personal safety skills.
An Email Example Of Effective Debriefing
After reading my "Tough or Smart" article, a subscriber sent me an email about an incident he was involved in.
Even though things turned out OK, the experience continued to bother him and he found himself second guessing his actions and wondering if he should have done something differently.
He began to worry that if something similar happened again, he would be just as confused as he was the first time. As far as he was concerned, the incident was unresolved. I commend him for asking the questions and looking for answers.
If you don't ask, you won't know! Whether you reflect on the matter yourself or seek an outside opinion (as Joe did here), it is important to examine the event and learn from it.
Be careful however, about seeking the opinion of someone who does not have the background or qualifications to be offering you advice about anything!
You'll get all kinds of "ham and eggers" more than willing to give you their off-the-wall advice about what THEY would have done... (you'll see examples of "bad advice" in the correspondence below)
With his permission, I've included our correspondence in this newsletter. To protect his privacy, I'll refer to him as "Joe." (Pretty creative huh? ;-)
I'd like you to read this correspondence from two perspectives:
First, read what happened and put yourself in his shoes… What would you do if the same thing happened to you?
Secondly, read it analytically and observe the "process" involved and the factors that impacted the situation. Stress, confusion, hesitation, second guessing?
Imagine the difference between a "prepared mind" and the mind of someone who thought that something like this would never happen.
OK… I'll shut up now and let your read the emails:
Hi Randy,
I just read your new article about "Efficiency" or "doing the right thing" and I found it very interesting.
I just wanted to ask your expert opinion about something that happened to me.
Some months ago, I was driving my car with my girlfriend at 10:30 pm through a main avenue. Being a working day the street was almost empty, although well illuminated. Suddenly, while driving into an intersection we saw a robbery in progress.
A robber was stealing the purse of a middle age woman who was with a young man. A few paces away, another robber was waiting for the first one on a motorcycle ready to drive away. (This is the standard operating procedure for robberies in my town). The first robber already had the purse and was running away, but the young man was pulling the purse, trying to recover it.
I thought for a moment to speed up and hit him with my car in order to abort the robbery but on a second, and very quick, thought I considered the following. a) I could hit both the robber and the victim. b) If I hit the robber and he was severely injured, or worse dead, the complications would be major. c) If I prevented his escape, he may be forced to fight back and might hurt the young man. d) I didn't want to put my girlfriend in danger, if something unexpected happened. e) The purse wasn't worth the danger.
Of course, I didn't rationalize that much at that moment. It was just a quick thought like, "hitting him is dangerous for everybody, the purse wasn't worth it". So I let them run away with the purse and called the police, but I'm pretty sure they didn't catch them.
After that I felt bad, since I thought that maybe I should have done something else to abort the robbery and help the victims. I was relatively safe in my car and was driving a 3000 pound weapon. A lot of people have since told me I should have hit him, and I felt a bit like a coward. I worried that I didn't choose to do the right thing.
I know that I'm not a coward. In fact, on another occasion I have not avoided a fight with a man much heavier and bigger than me to protect my girlfriend, although I'm a very very very reasonable and passive person. But when me or my beloved are in danger, I don't hesitate to face the problem. Just in that particular case I decided that the right thing was to let them go. And in fact, I still believe that it was the best course of action, although I still have my doubts.
So, I wanted your opinion as an expert. What would be the best course of action in that situation? I don't want to feel "justified" for what I chose to do, but really want to know the best thing to do in such a case, just in case it happens again.
I would be deeply grateful if you gave me your opinion about this, since I don't know any other expert in "real life" self defense.
I'm hoping you help me with this. Thanks in advance for your kind attention.
Best regards,
Joe
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Hi Joe,
Based on what you've told me, you did EXACTLY what you should have... and what I would have advised you to do, if you'd asked my opinion.
You are right, a purse is not worth the legal and civil hastles and the risk of "making matters worse" by over-reacting to a property crime.
Your decision NOT to attempt to ram the robber (and risk hitting the victim") was a good one. Deliberately ramming into someone with a vehicle is considered a deadly force response and can only be justified if you reasonably believe that it is absolutely necessary to protect yourself or someone else from death or a serious life-threatening injury.
Based on what you've told me, the situation was NOT a deadly force encounter and you probably would have gotten yourself into as much legal trouble as the robber if you decided to turn him into a hood ornament!
It would be a different story if someone was being attacked and severely beaten. It would have been different if the assault was of a life threatening nature. Protection of life is our highest priority. Protection of property is not.
In that scenario, the best thing you could do is notify the police and be a good witness. Make note of their physical description, license number and direction of travel so you can provide that info to the police when they arrive.
But to endanger your own safety, the safety of your girlfriend, the safety of the victim and even the safety of the "dirt bags" doing the robbery, is not worth the value of a purse.
Purses and contents can be replaced. People can't.
Your reaction after the incident is a normal one. Even when you do the "right thing," its common to second guess yourself and wonder if there is something else you could have done.
Your scenario about fighting to protect your girlfriend Joe is a good one. By the sounds of it, your decision to stand up to your adversary WAS the right thing to do... Some things in life ARE worth fighting for and others are not. Its important to know the difference.
Your actions were definitely not "cowardly" Joe. If you ask me (which I guess you're doing huh? ;-) you made a reasonable and effective decision in a stressful and challenging situation.
I think you made a wise decision Joe. Good job.
Randy
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Hello Randy.
Thank you so much for your answer. Your comments about the situation were really interesting, since I've always been in doubt about this issue since it happened. I was not only trying to see if I did well, but also to know what is the best course of action in a situation like this one, because its very probably going to happen again sometime in my life. I think that the only way to react correctly to a challenging (and unusual for me) situation is to know in advance what is the right thing and instinctively react based on previous knowledge (and gut feelings, of course). That is why I found your answer so useful for me.
On the other hand, you are right, in some way I was asking you if I acted cowardly ;-) As I told you before, a lot of people told me I should ram the guy, when I told them the story. They told me that was what they would have done in that situation. And maybe they would, but I always thought that those people are probably more prone to an "action movie" reaction. By the way, I have to tell you that I'm a latin person, living outside US (that's why my english is a little deficient), and you know how temperamental we latins are.
I'm very glad to have read your expert opinion about this, and to be sure now about the right thing to do in a similar case. Of course you may post our conversation in your forum and/or newsletters or emails. If this case could be useful for more people, I'd be very glad. Just remove my name and email address, but you may reproduce the rest of the conversation as you please.
Its good you are writing an ebook on this topic. I think that is very important for people to know as much as possible about those situations in order to react properly. I'm a subscriber of your newsletter, so I'll know when you publish it.
Thanks again for your answer, and have a good day.
Joe
OK, Now Its Your Turn...
Time for YOU to do some thinking... If you want to share the results with me, I'd be honored...It could have a direct impact on the content and direction of future articles and information products. If not, at least do this exercise for yourself.
Here's what I'd like you to do:
Write out the single, most likely or worrisome self-defense scenario that you can think of. Nothing bizarre or off-the-wall, but something you legitimately think you could encounter. What is the "ultimate" situation that you feel sparks your interest in self-defense and personal safety? What one incident, do you want to be prepared for if it were to happen?
In as much detail as you want, spell out a threatening, volatile or violent situation (real or imagined) that motivates your interest in self-defense training.
This could be a hypothetical situation or it could be something that actually happened to you or someone you know.
Don't worry about coming up with a solution or explaining what you would do about it. Not at this point any way. Just spell out as specifically and conceretely and you can, the ultimate situation your are preparing for.
Who is the assailant or how many are there?... Would the person be known to you or a stranger? Would you be alone or with someone who could assist you or might need your protection? What would the "predatory intent" be? (what does your assailant want from you?) Where would it be most likely to happen. What time do you see it happening?
You might feel that exercises like this are silly or a waste of time. Maybe its too much work! I can tell you this, if something does happen and you haven't given it any thought... stress, confusion, and the "Fluster Factor," WILL impact your ability to do the right thing at the right time.
Consider exercises like this the equivalent of "Self-Defense Fire Drills." Just imagine what would happen if a fire alarm sounded and you didn't have a clue what it meant or how you were supposed to respond.
Enuff Said.
Take care, train smart and stay safe...
Randy LaHaie
Protective Strategies
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Randy LaHaie is the president of Protective
Strategies and has been teaching reality-based
self-defense for over 30 years. He is the author
of several "Toughen Up Combative Training Guides"
(www.ToughenUp.com)Subscribe to his FREE SELF
-DEFENSE NEWSLETTER at
http://www.ProtectiveStrategies.com
========================================
Three Simple Strategies for Rekindling the Romance in Your Relationship
These days it seems that we are busier than ever. We seem to be in a constant state of motion, always racing off to work, or zipping out to run errands, or to take the kids to their various activities. Inevitably, something is bound to get lost in the shuffle of all this non-stop running around-and that something is often your relationship with your significant other. This can happen for a variety of reasons. For example, we sometimes fall into the unfortunate habit of taking our partners (and the love they give us) for granted. We assume that they will just "always be there for us," whenever we need them, so we begin to neglect the relationship, rather than nurturing it and doing all that we can to help it continue to thrive and grow. Once we start taking our intimate relationship for granted, though, the romance is often first thing to go. If your life has become overly hectic and stressful, and if you think that the health of your relationship with your partner may be suffering as a result, please consider trying some-or perhaps even all-of the strategies described below to reinvigorate your romantic life. 1. Physically demonstrate your love for each other on a daily basis. Some couples who have been together for a long time tend not to hold, caress, massage, kiss, or cuddle as often as they once did. (Remember, not all touching between romantic partners needs to be regarded as foreplay, though of course, sometimes that's exactly what it is). Think back for a moment to all the sweet, tender ways you demonstrated your love for each other during your dating days. Now try to reincorporate all those small but meaningful gestures back into your relationship. A little letter or poem in your own handwriting is a powerful way to rekindle the sparks. We tend to forget that as human beings, we require quite a bit of tactile attention, particularly from our romantic partners. Just think, each time you lay eyes on one another, you have a fresh opportunity to show your love. Even if you are both about to run off in opposite directions, there is always time for a quick kiss or a brief cuddle -- especially at the beginning and end of each day. So, be sure to give your partner a nice shoulder rub, or a foot massage, or a back scratching session, for no particular reason (other than the fact that it will make them feel good). And instead of sitting in separate chairs while you watch your next movie on television, sit together on the couch, so that you can cuddle, and perhaps even steal a little kiss every now and then. These small but tender gestures take very little time or effort, and yet they can make each of you feel warm, happy and cherished for hours afterward. They also have a cumulative effect, in the sense that each little kiss and caress builds on top of the one that came before it to continually fortify and deepen your relationship. 2. Write your sweetheart a love letter. Perhaps you wrote dozens of love letters and love poems to your significant other years ago, when you first got together. Or maybe you have never really been in the habit of expressing your love for your partner in writing. Either way, now is a great time to start! And in this case I'm not talking about a quick e-mail, dashed off in five minutes, or a little post-it note stuck to the fridge that says, "I love you. Remember to take out the trash later." Go to the store for some nice stationary, come home, sit down at your desk, and before you even put pen to paper, give yourself an adequate amount of time to think about exactly what it is that you love about your partner and why. Then, just like you did back in school, write a little outline of everything you'd like to include so that you don't forget anything. And once you've completed your brief outline, start working on a rough draft. The reason I advise you to write your love letter in long hand (rather than typing it on the computer, as you may be tempted to do) is that writing in longhand is a much more intimate, sensual experience. When you are forming the curve of each letter with your own hand, you tend to feel more connected to the writing experience, which puts you in exactly the right frame of mind to write a heartfelt, meaningful letter to the person you love with all your heart. Allow yourself to stroll back down memory lane, and then pour those memories (and your feelings about all of those memories) into your first draft. Once you have completed your rough draft, it's time to transfer it to your nice stationary. Nothing can communicate just how much you care quite as well as a tender, thoughtfully crafted, hand-written love letter. You may want to give your partner the letter on a special occasion like Valentine's Day, or on your wedding anniversary, or you can just give it whenever the mood strikes, because no matter when you give your partner a gift this personal and intimate, it is sure to be deeply appreciated. 3. Take good care of yourself. One of the biggest reasons we tend to neglect our intimate relationships with our partners has to do with a lack of self-care. When you are constantly taking care of others, you may not be taking adequate (or even minimal) care of yourself. After all, there are only so many hours in the day, and it seems that nearly all of those hours are booked up with some activity or other, which means that you have to make a deliberate effort to carve out some precious time for yourself. Self care means different things to different people. Some people feel deeply rejuvenated after a long walk in the woods, while others prefer to go to the spa for a facial or pedicure. You may be partial to meditating for a half hour each evening, while your partner may find it more relaxing to go for a run, or to escape into a fast-paced mystery novel. When we take proper care of ourselves, what we are actually doing is recharging our batteries, which in turn makes us feel better equipped to take care of others. No matter which method(s) of self care you choose, the important thing is to actually follow through with it. After all, the more you take care of yourself, the more rejuvenated you will feel throughout the day, and the more you will have to give, not only to your relationship with your significant other, but also to your relationships with all of your loved ones and friends.
